i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
