My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
