Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
