i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
