you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
