I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
