May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
