She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
