the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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