I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
