it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
