WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
