Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
