Do you still have your period?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
