I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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