don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There r osticjed everywhere
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
