I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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