I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
