I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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