I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize