I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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