Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
