Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I need a beard to bite.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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