I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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