i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
