this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
