It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
