I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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