i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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