I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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