i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
