I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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