just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
