I hope my margaritas pass through security.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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