That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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