I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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