I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
