dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
