I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
