Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
