nut hugger
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
