cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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