I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
