I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
