I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
