I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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