Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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