Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Randomize
