I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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