And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
