Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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