I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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