Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
When are your genitals available?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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