Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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