Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
