i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
