and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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