I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
