I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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