I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
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